dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
