I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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