Even the bartender felt bad for me
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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