eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
