omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
