and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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