I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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