The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
