dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
