she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The struggles of a small town man whore
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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