pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
