I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
