Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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