when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
