I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
