and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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