What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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