This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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