i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
