DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
