I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
