About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
