why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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