I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dick very happy bro
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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