so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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