Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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