I haven't been this sober since birth.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
