Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
