That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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