So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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