If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
