There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
