I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
