K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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