OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
