Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
