I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
