I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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