I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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