I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
