I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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