I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
