So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
