If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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