She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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