you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Randomize
