i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
