I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
