Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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