It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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