I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
