i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
