it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
