u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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