Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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