how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
