So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
